


Spermatozoa Spurious Impetuous

by terma_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-01-01
Updated: 2002-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:47:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26501614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terma_archivist/pseuds/terma_archivist
Summary: Note from alicettlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived atTER/MAand was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address onthe TER/MA collection profile.
Relationships: Alex Krycek/Fox Mulder
Collections: TER/MA





	Spermatozoa Spurious Impetuous

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alicettlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [TER/MA](https://fanlore.org/wiki/TER/MA) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [the TER/MA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/terma/profile).

  
**Spermatozoa Spurious Impetuous  
by Ursula**

  
He stands, a noble figure of a man, last of a dying breed, his wind burned and sun kissed countenance a thing of manly beauty. He stands for something, the wild herds, very prolific (With penetrable ovum, of course), the outdoors, and mainly, he stands because...

"Faux, my love," said Elixir De Krycek, "like I told you, you look good in chaps, but next time, wear the pants too."

Scowling, Faux Marbles rubbed some more Aloe Vera on his rosy-red ass and went off to see if the chef had served the soup as yet. A snicker greeted him and he saw Little Jeff Spender, an odd sight himself in his short pants and cowboy boot. Jeff had only one boot because he had been playing footsie with his buddy, Brian "the brain" Pendrell. Jeff resumed whistling "Rawhide" as soon as Faux had passed. Faux turned and said, "Jeffy, how would you like your father to know exactly how his password was sent to the Lady's Temperance and Antismoking Campaign?"

Jeff blanched and said, "Uh, no problem, Faux, I was just telling Pendy about a movie, swear to God."

The harmonious and regular clanking of spurs announced the arrival of the trail-boss, even more of an archetype than Faux Marble was. Walter Skinherd was one of those men who cast a giant shadow. Okay, maybe it was because he paid special effects to run a spotlight on him at all times, but, hey, a man's got to do what a man got to do. Anyway, he was tall, virile, who knew how many of the wild sperm that ran rampant out there were his? This was a man among men, which always leads to the curious question, so what was he in a crowd of women?

Skinner straddled a stump, which blushed all the way to its root at the compliment. He folded his arms and sternly eyed his crew. They were a rag-tailed bunch of vermin, especially that Elixir DE Krycek who, when asked, produced a social security card that read, "Alias Krisis" one moment and "Elixir DE Krycek" in the next. It didn't help that the card proved to have been printed with Silly Putty. 

Faux Marble batted his pretty eyelashes at the boss and said, "The Gonads were wild tonight. Took a hell of a lot of rubbing to settle them down. I remember in the city, when I was a professor of psychology, the domesticated ones were so tame that all you would have to do is call them and they would come. Those were the days...Damn shame; the college found out that psychology wasn't invented yet; they kicked me right out on my academic seat.

Having heard this story a million times, Walter posed stalwartly, his best side turned to his admiring men, his mighty thews rippling, his chest hair flowing in the breeze, and his manly groin growing as he beheld Elixir De Krycek sauntering into camp. 

Dana S-collie, a lovely lassie, stomped in, looking small and tough, she had a six-gun at each side and a scalpel in her teeth. She twirled her latex lasso and said, "Those critters are might motile tonight. Suspect there might be trouble in the horizon."

The men and the one woman ate with Gusto, (Gusto Windus, the token gimpy, elderly spermboy, played for laughs.) 

As they ate, tinny musical notes started and the side of the entertainment wagon opened. Faux stopped eating. This was it, the high point of every evening. Elixir De Krycek slunk onto the stage, wearing black lace stockings, a bustier of black leather with lots of dangling chains and a black satin Speedo with jet sequins. He sang in a badly faked German accent, one of his long beautiful legs propped upon a stool. He stroked his leg sensually as he warbled in a deep, sexy voice, "Come on, mister, I'm not your twisted sister...I need a real man." (Hey, it worked for Amanda.) Strutting down the stairs, spinning a plam like a baton, he was a glittering, glamorous picture. He twirled his feather boa (He started out with a real one, but animal rights had objected. Gradually, he worked the crowd, spending long moments teasing poor old Gusto, until he ran off to add to add his feeble efforts to the herd.

Of course after teasing Skinherd, Elixir slowly ran his purple-feathered boa up and down Faux's back. Jeffy and Pendy giggled and ran away to play the Ferret eats the Lab-mouse under the blankets. Walter shook his head as the wild call of the ferret plundered the land and said, "Guess Pendy found the Ferret-hole"

S-collie grouchily retreated to her wagon where she was cloning copies of the spermboys to be love slaves. All those little Mars symbols kept penetrating each other instead of the somatic cells she had prepared. It figured.

Warmed by the light and heat of a Blazing Saddle, Faux Marble and Elixir De Krycek cuddled and looked at the glowing full moon until Walter put his pants back on and went to do what ever trail bosses do. Faux snuggled his chin into Elixir's neck and tasted a little of his honey's glaze. "Still have the worst parts of the trip ahead," Marble mused. "The Oral Gorge, the lower Foot Fetish hills, and finally, Twin Buttes, where no sperm-boy had come before. And there's untamed prophylactics out there, spermicidal maniacs, not to mention the Fellatio of Doom."

Elixir punched him and yelled, "Faux, I told you not to mention that!"

Marble mused, "He hit me and it felt like, well, actually, it felt like a punch." 

Marble felt a wet sticky glob encounter the bare part of his leg, (all he wore was a buckskin vest and those chaps) Looking down, he saw a little lost sperm, poor thing, it was a premature ejaculation, cast out into the world before it was ready to leave the vas deferens. Sighing, he said, "Get along little doughy, you know that Y or X will be your new genome." 

"Do you think S-collie was right? Do you expect trouble tonight?" Elixir asked.

"June 30, 1908. Tungus tribesmen and Russian fur traders look up into the southeastern Siberian sky and see a fireball streaking to Earth. When it hit the atmosphere, it created a series of cataclysmic explosions that are considered to be the largest single cosmic event in the history of civilization. Two thousand times the force of the bomb that was dropped on Hiroshima" Marble recited, squinting at the reader board in the distance.

Elixir stared at him in bewilderment until he followed dear Marble's myopic vision. Cursing, he fired a number of shots, driving off the incompetent script boy. "You can't get good help these days..."

Faux searched in his head for some original lines, but it was all very confusing so he tried, "Fuck me harder?"

Elixir's face lit up and soon lkgfjs0n c ck[pksaj mm;,ew lubricant ljpj0wn skhcw lks0ewn sljd-s,m Nmmmariesprecum,,,,pulsinghole,,efdfehotsteamyeggreole mdw]ewinvek;kphones;sepcfsexpebblednipplestightmuscledringsmfef >(Immortally hot sex scene lost to unfortunate repeated sneezing while typing.)

As they lay post-coitus, blissful, and sticky, Faux caught sight of a magnificent stallion, his mane flowing in the breeze, his coal black tail flicking away fireflies, seeking to light his fire.

Faux stood, wincing at the scream from his lover, who had been quite stuck on him. Small thuds echoes as the pebbles fell off his nipples. He pointed and said, "Elixir, I must have that horse. It is my fatal attraction, my grail, my...uh...uh...horse of a different color."

Well, Faux was right about that! Elixir had never seen a purple horse, but he agreed it was better to see one then be one. So, they lured it with mares, it displayed no great interest for this was a splashy slash horse and it never got silly with a filly, although it was no dolt with a sufficiently mature colt. Unfortunately the spermboys, who didn't ride mare-back, all mounted sawhorses, charley horses, and other such unlimber steeds so the trap had no bait.

Next, they lured it with hay; but it ignored their hey with a snotty blow of its nose. At last, Elixir put on his raiment of maiden white, adjusted his artificial hyphen of virginity, decked his sable, chestnut, black, hair with posies and set out to lure the stallion. Promptly, the horse came, (Come? Cum?) Anyway, it arrived with a thunder of hooves and a negative neigh. The horse was even more amazing close up. Not only was it purple, but also a gentle odor of chocolate emitted from the rubbery, resilient, ribbed hide. The noble wild stallion lay it's head in Elixir's lap and said in a horse voice, "I just want you to know, I'm not fooled. I know you're no virgin."

Elixir smiled repeatedly, a duplicitous smile indeed. Running his hands through the Spanish Main, chasing off several Spanish Flies, Elixir murmured, "That's all right, because you may be horny, but you're no unicorn."

Elixir led the horse back to camp and, with a rein of triumph, he presented the mount to his darling Faux. This, of course, was accepted and the horse was left untended as spermboys and the spar-MS all joined in the foreplay with mounting excitement. Each of them found his (or her) darling all except poor Gusto who was left to his own handy-work. Soon, not a dear was roaming and the wily stallion trotted through the foggy camp on little cat feet...and even the resulting mewing, yowling, and hissing didn't wake the played out crew. The horse cleverly scattered commas, which deepened their comas to an unaccented sleep.

The herd was left untended by this unpunctuated play and the gonads pulsed and wildly roamed. The stallion called up a might cellular phone and turned the speaker on the already restless herd. This set them to an orgiastic rush and they became instantly untamed. The stallion grinned. He was no horse's ass. The call of the wild always worked when they herd. Ah, what a moaning, ejaculation, orgiastic rush that was as the entire stampede of sperms and gonads splattered over the plains.

Walter Skin-herd emerged from a slithering mound of his spermboys and gasped as he looked at the fast fading, but still sticky trail of his herd. He bowed his noble head in manly disappointment then fell onto the earth and threw the major league tantrum he always wanted to express. He would be laughed out of the sperm bank, as all that was left was one weakly droplet of precum.

The magnificent horse had made off with the entire herd! As it galloped away leading the spermatozoa to freedom, it gave a mighty horselaugh. Elixir De Krycek uttered a resigned sign. He said, "Well, that the way the rubber bounces. We should have seen that coming."

Faux Mulder tenderly took his outlaw lover's hand and said, "Yeah, I get it now too."

Skinherd complained, "Well, I don't. Someone clue me in."

Krycek said, "Walt, that was no ordinary wild stallion, that was a Trojan horse...

The end,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

* * *

Please send all negative condoms elsewhere

Hey, it's not my fault. Orithain and Imp made me!  
Disclaimer: No X or Y chromosomes or characters were harmed in the making of this fic...   
E-mail address for feedback: [email removed]   
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